Warning: This is for mature readers only who can understand it's poking fun at the D-II seedings. That's it, no malicious intent -- and only to hopefully bring a few chuckles from the Cardinals and their fans. If you don't have a sense of humor, please move on to another blog. Thank you.
I heard from a close Oahu friend whose brother's sister is a night security guard at the HHSAA office in Honolulu about what happened during the state tournament seedings meeting on Sunday.
This is from security guard Lolita's tape recorder, which was hidden under her large box of donuts and behind her sumo-sized saimin:
HHSAA committee chairman: "Now, let's move on to the Division II seedings. Anyone have anything to say before we get started?"
MIL spokesman: "Hi everyone, mahalo for inviting me. I've brought each of you 50-pound bags of Maui onions, ono desserts, and juice, juice, juice plus reduced hotel/golf course rate coupons. It's just a token of my appreciation and should in no way affect my son's school Seabury Hall in being seeding No. 2."
HHSAA official: "Thanks, I'm sure everyone could use your contributions on the committee. I don't think these small gifts will affect our voting for the seeds, but I've been wrong in the past, usually depending on how many other larger gifts we receive."
OIA spokesman: "Nice job, MIL, with the gifts. Very good touch. Well, committee chairman, I would like to pass along to the seeding voters a few $350 gift cards from Ala Moana stores, some free helicopter tour certificates, a brand new set of Tiger Woods' autographed golf clubs that were given to me and that I'd personally would like the committee chairman to have. I just don't have the time to use the golf clubs. I'm giving you these gifts before the voting to start the meeting off on a good note, to make everyone happy. It's not about seeding our league champion Roosevelt No. 1. If that happens, it happens. By the way, chairman, if you want to try out the new golf clubs, I've got tee times for you, your family and anyone else you want to bring along next Sunday at Turtle Bay, the day after the state tournaments. Let me know if you want to go."
HHSAA chairman: "Mr. OIA, thanks for your input and the gifts, they were better than the MIL's so I think your league is in good shape heading into the seeding vote. However, let me make this perfectly clear, there is no way your gifts will sway our voting ... unless someone else makes a more attractive donation." The chairman then breaks into a big laugh and winks at the other people in the room.
BIIF spokesman: "Mr. Chairman, I had intended to bring along several boxes of Big Island Candies cookies and other goodies, but at the Hilo Airport, the security people took them away. They told me there had been a 'tainted cookie' threat and they had to taste each cookie to make sure they were safe. They ate them all!"
After hearing that, Lolita yelled out to the committee: "That's my cousins in Hilo. Everyone in my family works in security ... and loves sweet stuff!"
HHSAA chairman: "Miss Lolita, please reframe from your comments. This is a private meeting and no one should ever know what we discuss or what we are given by the leagues to help us analyze the seedings and make it fair, right down the middle. Okay, BIIF, what else do you have to say and contribute?
BIIF spokesman: "As I was saying, all my goodwill gifts were taken away and I'm sorry that I don't have anything to give the committee members. I just ask the committee be fair. Our top team is St. Joseph and they have an impressive record, even beating OIA D-I champ Moanalua and BIIF D-I champ Hilo twice. We believe St. Joe should be seeded No. 1."
HHSAA chairman: "Are you sure you didn't bring along any gifts?"
BIIF spokesman: "Yes, it just didn't work out."
HHSAA chairman: "Too bad, I can see some problems with St. Joe being seeded No. 1. They didn't go undefeated like Seabury Hall and they weren't on TV like Roosevelt, so in my opinion, St. Joe might be a No. 3 seed. But we'll have to wait until all the votes are cast."
ILH spokesman: "Mr. Chairman, our league champion is University and we believe they should be seeded No. 4. I'm sorry that I did not bring along any gifts today for the committee members, but since you, Mr. Chairman, and I are related, you know what to do."
HHSAA chairman: "Mr. ILH, no problem, you'll be taken care of and get the No. 4 seed. See you at the annual family Christmas party."
Kauai spokesman: "Mr. Chairman, I tried to bring along several gifts, mainly delicious foods, but had them taken away by the security guards at the Lihue Airport."
Lolita: "I've got relatives there, too!"
HHSAA chairman: "Miss Lolita, please! And can you pass me one of your donuts, they look good and tasty."
Kauai spokesman: "Mr. Chairman, can we get back to business? Kapaa is our league champion and won almost all of their games. We believe they should be seeded No. 4."
HHSAA chairman: "Well, Mr. KIF, based on your initial remarks, I'd say no seedings for you. Okay, it's time to take the vote. I also want to add that I believe Roosevelt is No. 1, Seabury Hall No. 2, St. Joe No. 3 and University No. 4. Let's now vote and if anyone has any questions, please call me on my cell, next Sunday. I'll be at Turtle Bay."
HHSAA secretary: "Mr. Chairman, I have counted the secret ballots and amazingly, it came out just like you predicted -- No. 1 Roosevelt, No. 2 Seabury Hall, No. 3 St. Joseph and No. 4 University."
HHSAA chairman: "Okay, the seedings are finished AND absolutely fair. Good luck to all of your teams and see you next year. Now get going, I've got a meeting with all the tournament referees -- I want to tell them how I want the games called because it's important to the television ratings who plays in the championship games."