From inside Punahou:
An unnamed source heard from another well-placed unnamed source that Punahou is strongly considering hiring HoopFanatic, BasketballJones and RC as the Buffanblu's new "Three-Headed Monster" -- tri-coaches for the highly regarded boys basketball program.
"The basketball gods at Punahou believe it's a job too big for any one man, so they're picking three diehard basketball coaches to lead the program," one of the unnamed sources said. "But until it's official, no one can say anything."
But the unnamed source, a chubby guy with a mustache that takes tickets at summer league games, outlined the coaches' responsibilities. They are:
-- Hoopfanatic will be in charge of the offense and run the Triangle. He's read Phil Jackson's book on the offense and believes he can teach it ... or least teach some yoga to his players. "I'm ready, able and chilling," HoopFanatic told the powerless source.
-- Basketball Jones will be in charge of the defense and run a full-court harassing style like Louisville uses. He's read Coach Pitino's book and believes he can teach it ... or at least get the players to dress better and stay away from older women. "I'm ready, able and chilling," Basketball Jones told the unemployed source.
-- RC will be in charge of food placement during the games. He's watched Sam Choy on TV plus the Food Channel and will deliver snacks to the players to keep them energized throughout the game. RC doesn't read books, but he knows how to use a variety of Pistol Pete passes to toss the food to the hungry Buffanblu. "I'm hungry, where's the damm food," a wide-eyed RC told the sweating source. "I'll eat first and then give the players what's left over. They shouldn't eat too much, just enough to keep them going for 32 minutes. I'm married already, so I don't have to worry about my figure anymore."
Luna86, OldG and Ed have volunteered to provide security. Luna86 will protect the players from the wild fans and media; and OldG will protect the nervous referees from Ed.
While flexing his biceps and snorting loudly, Luna86 said: "I'm stoked for this opportunity and won't let the head coaches down. I'll use my experience of playing in the physical men's league and deck anyone who gets near the Punahou players. No harm, no foul."
"It's a big job controlling Ed," OldG said. "But I'm armed with tasers and poop drops to make sure nothing smelly happens. It's going to be a good year at Punahou for all of us -- then they'll hire someone new next year. That's just the pressure of big-time high school athletics, but I heard Gib Arnold has first dibs on the job if things don't work out at UH."